31. Pink Calamine, Unicorn Chaser
April 30, 2008
Buttercream lazily munched teacake flowers next to the Purple Gltter River. Gumdrop swam across from the opposite bank, her cotton-candy-colored flanks pumping powerfully through the river’s glistening, violet swells. Surrounded by toffee grasses, the two pink unicorns whinnied in friendship and shared a cake flower.
Over the nearest rolling hills of the toffee meadow came a sprinting figure. What could it be? Whatever it was, it had only two legs, and no horn! The simple, gem-encrusted countryside seemed radiant and magical next to this drab, speedy figure. Whatever it was, it had voluminous, white petticoats and some sort of… well, it looked like a confetti cannon or a blossom blaster, but more utilitarian. Buttercream got the idea this gun didn’t shoot sparkles or flowers.
“Let’s get out of here,” Gumdrop whispered, and the two unicorns loped anxiously away from the skirted figure and its huge weapon.
Buttercream and Gumdrop were very young unicorns, and the two-legged creature could almost keep pace with their galloping. Over the frosting fields they ran, all the way to Daisy-Chain Ridge, chased all the way by the creature. But here was a dead end!
Gumdrop and Buttercream faced their pursuer as bravely as they could, their tails trembling only a little.
“You have to help me,” the girl said, panting. “Please.”
“Who are you? Why are you chasing us?” Gumdrop demanded.
“Don’t you understand? There’s no time! There’s no time!”
“What’s your hurry, anyway?” Buttercream asked.
“Look. If I don’t get this rainbow blasted before dusk falls at peppermint point, no one will see it. You have to help me find the beach. Don’t you understand?”
“You’re the rainbow blaster? Here, ride on my back.”
“Let me take the cannon!”
The trio trotted triumphantly to the tangerine tidepools. Gumdrop and Buttercream helped the sassy rainbow blaster shoulder her bazooka on the shiny, glittery sandbar.
Pink Calamine aimed her heavy rainbow cannon just over the licorice cliff face and spewed a glowing triple rainbow in the direction of Peppermint Point.
“Whew, just in time,” she said, sitting down to rest on the tangerine sand. “I’m Pink Calamine. Thanks for your help.”
image: no creator found; located on a creativecommons.org search
This is nothing much, guys; it’s just that I love boing boing, puns, and sugar SO MUCH.
#30 has been removed by the author
April 29, 2008
29. Jeneane
April 28, 2008
It was one of those September nights that surprises you with how warm it can still be. It was eight PM, and the sun was still blazing. Earlier that day, Jeneane had seen a patch of moss on the sidewalk and thought it was a teeming cluster of ants, like it would have been in March. That’s how warm it was. Tonight, Jeneane was even wearing flip flops. Her toenails were a shiny lavender.
She left the bar, calling goodnight to her friends. Tim and Matt and Kerry and Diana were all going to catch the train. Now that she lived on the west side, Jeneane had to catch her bus alone.
She fished in her purse for change. Her depth perception was cheerfully, drunkenly impaired. It struck her, as she tipsily rifled through her knitted shoulder bag, that something was different. There was an odd, a completely unfamiliar, sensation in her right pinky finger. Not that the inside of her wool purse felt different, or her comb, or her embossed leather wallet with the familiar jagged teeth of its broken zipper.
Her finger itself felt strange.
She stopped walking. She pulled her hand out of the shoulder bag and studied it.
She had four fingers and a thumb, all five nails painted with the same lavender polish she’d used on her toes. But there was a sixth finger, too.
She had six fingers on her right hand.
She wiggled what was now her pinky. It had three perfect joints and a perfect, unpainted fingernail. A freckle sat between the top joint and the healthy cuticle. Read the rest of this entry »
28. Yawn
April 27, 2008
A hairdresser in the Tron
Discovered he loved to eat flan.
He digested its sugars
Until the stuff gave him boogers
And he had to quit the salon.
image: VeganWarrior on flickr
How do YOU pronounce flan?
This is what the Tron is.
#27 has been removed by the author
April 26, 2008
26. With Two Sugars, Even
April 25, 2008
We gave him a nice funeral and everything. But the next day, there he was, asking for a cup of coffee.
#25 has been removed by the author
April 24, 2008
24. The Way They Used to Be
April 23, 2008
When the alien came to stay with us, I was nice at first. I didn’t even mind cooking her those weird foods she ate for dinner, all boiled leaves and nothing else. When she first mentioned that she would die if she ate meat, I never dreamed of betraying that trust.
But then you started to like her more than me.
I guess she was more interesting, being from another planet and all. But it hurt seeing you two laughing and sharing stories on Wednesday nights. Those used to be our movie nights, remember? Who fucking cares about other planets? You used to be interested in our world.
So I started brushing beef blood on one of her bizzaro leaves every night. It was thrilling to watch her spear a piece of kale or dandelion, using her knife and fork with those beautiful hands so different from ours, exciting to wonder if this was the leaf that would hurt her. While you two talked about whatever you talked about, I surreptitiously watched her eat.
What did you expect? You were giving all your attention to her. All I did was cook for the two of you. I needed a game, I was bored.
Every night she grew a little grayer. More ashen. And then, one day she went into the yard to die. And that’s the story.
So, I’m glad that things can go back to the way they used to be. Don’t you agree?
image: ninjawil on flickr
#23 has been removed by the author
April 22, 2008
22. Judge
April 21, 2008
I have a soft spot for repeat offenders.
When I look down at a familiar face from my podium, all I can think is, “You came back? For me?”
image: topix.com
